Disclaimer! In this post, I address diets, talk about losing weight and tell about my eating disorder. If these topics are a trigger for you, please stop reading.
Today is April 16th, 2022 - today is the day when I want to put my decision that I finally have to change something into action. This decision has been around for a while, but I've had a lot on my plate in the recent past and just didn't have the strength to change my life. I'm not one of those people who believe that a fit body and clothing's size affects happiness in life. The numbers on the scale don't affect me in the slightest, I love to eat and to be honest I'm quite a couch potato, size zero was never my dream and I'm basically satisfied with my body. Sure, I also have the "typical" problem areas, here and there I think to myself that it could be a little less or a little more. But apparently I didn't really want it, at least not out of myself. I've been regularly told by others that I'd be prettier if I was "less" and in every possible way I've been suggested that I'm not okay the way I am.
I uploaded a German video about my eating disorder a while ago.
The highlight was a statement from an equestrian brand that said they would love to have me in their catalogue, but that I was too fat. If I lost weight, they would book me immediately. Over time, it even developed into an eating disorder, which has been with me for years now. It is precisely this eating disorder that has now moved me to deal with my body, my fitness level and my well-being. For me, this illness is a massive burden, because I suffer from it physically, it is also a great psychological challenge, because I feel like a failure after every attack.
Regardless of the fact that I finally want to fight my eating disorder, I would like to get a fundamentally better relationship with food and protect myself from food cravings as much as possible - not only because I am afraid of gaining weight or want to lose a lot of weight, but because I notice how good it is for my body when I consistently eat well. I also like to eat healthily, I love salads, fruit and vegetables - however, I am a real sugar fanatic, especially in times of stress, i.e. I currently maintain a sometimes very unhealthy and above all irregular diet, regardless of a general problem with food. I either eat a lot or nothing at all, I keep having "attacks" and of course I have an emotional rollercoaster ride as a result.
Many, many years ago I developed an eating disorder. Unfortunately, the topic of binge eating has not received much social recognition to this day, because for the ignorant people out there it just looks like you are not in control of what you eat. And it's just like that, like it is with any other eating disorder. Nevertheless, it is unfortunately the case that if you suffer from the colloquially often referred to as "eating addiction", you are simply labeled as lazy, because you really only have to stop eating and are only looking for an excuse why you keep gaining weight. This disease has many, many faces, some people keep gaining weight, while others develop a kind of "fitness/food addiction" and start exercising excessively in order to get back into a caloric deficit. So the disease does not automatically show up in large clothing sizes. For my part, I'm not significantly overweight, my weight fluctuates from time to time, but I've never worn more than size 40, I've been wearing size 36/38 for a while, but binge eating has been with me for an incredibly long time. Just no one sees it, not even the people that are closest to me. Opening up to them has been a huge shock to all of them, no one knew!
Because of the eating disorder, I honestly don't even know in which "format" I would feel comfortable in my body, because I simply don't have a feel-good weight, or I don't even know what it feels like to feel comfortable in my body. I had phases when I wore size 34/36 and was just as unhappy as when I wore two sizes larger. For me personally, this means that my happiness is not linked to a dress size or the number on the scale, but rather that I want to feel comfortable in my own skin at all times. I want to be able to eat without feeling guilty or afraid that I'll have another attack later and put a lot of strain on my body as a result. I would like to do sports because I like doing sports and not because I want to prepare for the next attack, so that sooner or later my clothes will no longer fit me. Don't get me wrong, it's not per se that I don't want to gain weight - it's also a lot about not wanting to be a target for others to attack, because weight is a topic that many say something about without being asked. Both via social networks and in real life, both strangers and friends and relatives. If you're already struggling with your body and constantly changing weight, you don't need someone who, no matter how well-intentioned, is constantly talking about your weight.
My goal is to develop a completely normal relationship with food and to finally be completely healthy. I am aware that it will be a very, very long road and that I will probably also have to deal with setbacks, but I have never been so single-minded in relation to this topic. I've tried it several times, but something unexpected always came into my life that threw me back. I've now reached a point in my life where everything makes sense, I feel safe and secure - only this part of me still robs me of so much energy and that's why I finally have to kick it out of my life.
I thought for a long time whether I wanted to make my journey publicly, I also thought about it for ages before I uploaded the video to YouTube (German channel), because with so much private information you offer an insane amount of potential for attack. However, I know how alone I feel when it comes to binge eating. Maybe I'll help just one person by writing and speaking about my way out of the eating disorder - that would already be a success. In the coming week I will start to document my everyday life and to publish a weekly column here on the blog. I look forward to you becoming part of the journey.